Maria in the Closet

The Maria in the Closet

by Julia Carmen

There are billions of ways to come home to your sacred self.

This I am understanding now, later in life, but the teaching of it began when I was 15 years old.  Today, I am sharing with you a story of strength and suffering, of exhaustion and care, and of what our Alma—our Soul—tells us when we choose to listen. 

When I was 15 years old, my family lived in San Francisco. My father would take us all to Morgan Hill during the summer to pick fruit with the migrant workers. It was a way for the family to make money. It was here, when I was 15 years old, that I met Maria.  

Maria was a migrant worker.  Her husband, Jose, had sent me to find her. I  looked for her in the tiny home where she lived. When I saw no one, I reached for the closet door out of instinct. And there she was, in a closet barely bigger than her nine-month pregnant body, with the two youngest of her many children clinging beside her.  

I have carried that picture in my mind since the day I saw her. I see her eyes, tired, big, sad, lonely, leave-me-alone eyes, asking only for rest. Her skin is pale and yellow, almost green. I see her fear of being found and being asked to do more, when there is no more to give, and when giving would be the death of her. 

Why does she haunt me so or is it that it just feels like that, or is it that she is just trying to send me a message?  

f she were here right now, Maria…Maria what would you like me to know? 

Not to marry a man who does not see me? 

Not to have 10 children? 

Not to be born in Mexico? 

Not to work in the fields of San Martin? 

What is it that you would tell me about life? 

I still remember that day and how we all worked so hard and long in the fields, picking prunes. Being on your hands and knees all day, on the earth. I remember the pain on my knees and hands when I would make contact with the rocky ground. Waking up before the sun came up and not going home until it was dark. I was young. Maria was 9 months pregnant and had 9 other children.

I grew up in a family where the women took care of the men. It didn’t matter if you had a full time job, if your out-of-work brother needed his clothes washed, you were expected to take care of it. I saw this happening all my life. But yet when I saw Maria in the closet, my Soul said NO! NO! This is wrong, something is wrong here!  

But yet when I got married, I too followed in Maria’s footsteps, I “took” care of my husband. I remember at the beginning my husband was not looking  for “being taking care of”—I just didn’t know what else to do. 

For a long time every time I saw Maria in my mind I thought she was weak and a victim. I thought “Goodness” I never want to be a Maria in the closet.  

Then I became one and thought, “Oh Shit; I became Maria in the closet.”

I disliked what I had become and disliked all women like Maria. 

It’s interesting to look back at this now. I didn’t have any negative thoughts about the men that were a part of my life.  I just tried to take care of them, thinking they would somehow release me of all my unhappiness and bring me into the happiness of life.

I did not see “me”. 

I only saw what I thought - that the men in life had the power, the power to control me, the power to love me or not, the power to leave me or not. I did not see I released all of who I was to them.  

And then the questions came.

Was Maria weak? 

Was she a victim? 

Was I weak? 

Was I a victim? 

And then my beautiful Alma said - the answer is both …yes and no.  

What I see in Maria now, is that she was an example of what strength and suffering look like at the same time.  She has stayed in my heart and soul all these years, her memory has kept me strong in times of human suffering.  

Remember me, love me, respect me, take care of me, and at the same time she was saying,  Remember yourself, Love yourself, Respect yourself, Take care of yourself.

But most of all remember who you are. Pure Spirit, Pure Soul and Pure Human.  

Remember who you are. And there will be no need for suffering. 

At your core do you really know that  you are enough? Do you see who you are?

We are Light Beings, that’s who we are. We only think we are less than that because we have been hurt. 

We all have inside of us a way to heal. We all have our own Medicine. I have been guided to some of the most Beautiful Light Beings on this planet (most of them Women) of different cultures and backgrounds and each one has shown me their Medicine, Strong Medicine! And  each one has been different in ways that I could not have imagined. 

What I have been able to see is that one Medicine is not stronger than another. I have respect for  all these Medicines and Honor them and where they come from. 

When we see

that we are Beautiful Light Beings then the healing begins and we can do our life’s work from that place. 

Are you ready to see who you are, to begin your healing, and to embrace your Medicine?

Come walk with us at the School Without Walls.

Walking in Both Worlds - Being in Both - With Love of Self. 

Join Julia at her upcoming retreat at Dancing Spirit Ranch this May,

The Indigenous Soul: Walking in Both Worlds—Laying the foundation for the Dragon Within. 

For more information about Julia and her work, listen to her podcast, Indigenous Wisdom, or sign up for her free gift of 10 Questions to Ask Your Soul Self.